The usual theme is to come to terms with it. How to accept that you are no longer loved and no longer waste your energy on mental anguish

Psychologist Anna Khnykina I tried to understand the question of why some people at the age of 30 begin to be very afraid of old age, while others at 90 continue to live a rich and vibrant life, as if all the most interesting things are ahead.

Find a passion

Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Anna, are all people afraid of old age, or are there exceptions? In my practice, I often saw men and women in advanced age who assured me that they don’t care at all how old they are, is this just deceit or a different perception of age?

Anna Khnykina: I think they were not lying. Not everyone is afraid of old age; usually only young people are afraid of it. You know, this is the fear of missing out on something, of looking where you don’t want to look. Mature people who convinced you that they are not afraid of old age most likely wanted to say that they clearly see the advantages of their age: over time, the number of opportunities for any normal person expands, we have all already earned something and can afford much more than in my younger years. In addition, there is no need to bother your head with questions: “What to do?”, “What to do?”. Another aspect is that the children have grown up, this means that a person has a free hand, he can devote more time to himself, not think about feeding someone at home, checking his homework, etc. Some psychologists joke about old age: “Grandmothers have nothing to fear in the gateways.” In general, these people see all the benefits of not being 17 years old anymore.

— You described a very prosperous situation: the children have grown up, life is financially settled, but not everyone is like that...

“That’s the whole point: you need to take care of your old age so that when you turn 50, you have something to do.” First of all, I’m talking about hobbies that will move you, provide you with income and help your brain not grow old. A person must constantly develop. In Japan, it is stated at the legislative level that at the age of 70 you can study for free foreign languages. Studying prevents the brain from drying out and allows it to remain alive and healthy.

You need to take care of your old age so that when you turn 50, you have something to do. First of all, I’m talking about hobbies that will move you, provide you with income and help your brain not grow old.

- What to do when you wake up every morning and physically feel that you are getting weaker?

— Firstly, physical weakness is felt not only by old people, but also by young people. And as you know, you can die from cancer at the age of 17. Scientists have proven that illnesses and health conditions are associated with our unconscious. Of course, over the years the body wears out, blood pressure fluctuates, etc., but if you take care of yourself and take care of yourself from a young age, you can hold out quite well. Moreover, to support not only the body, but also the psyche - constantly learn and grow internally. Strive for knowledge and development. For example, there are a lot of long-livers among psychologists. Take Dvora Kuczynski, for example, at 90 years old she wears heels and looks great. Or Marsha Karp. Psychologists live long, work long, constantly develop, and few retire. And it’s not even about the profession, the main thing is to be passionate about your work, get results from it, enjoy it and develop while learning.

Love yourself

- But the reflection in the mirror definitely loses its attractiveness over the years, what to do with this?

— Self-pleasure, self-love is your inner state; a person who loves himself will look in the mirror and think: “What a beauty.” If you don’t love yourself, then even with young skin, long legs and full breasts, you will be unhappy with your reflection! In addition, we live in such an advanced time when there is plastic surgery, various procedures, injections, vitamins - all this helps not to age physically.

- Yes, and as a result, women with identical faces walk along the streets. How not to overdo it and stop in time?

- Let's start with the fact that in this matter we need good specialist. The fact that many of our women are “identical in appearance” means only one thing - they are simply pumped up with Botox, trying to keep up with fashion. But there are other procedures; it is not necessary to deform your face beyond recognition.

If a woman abuses cosmetic procedures, this means that she does not see her individuality and really wants to meet accepted standards. And all this again comes from self-dislike. Such a woman wants to “make” herself conform to some canons, and it seems to her that if she becomes “as it should”, like everyone else, then everything in her life will work out. At the same time, she doesn’t see her true, real self; she seems to be blindfolded. It's a disease.

— It seems to me, or now women have begun to think about aging much earlier, what is the reason?

“There are just more opportunities to make yourself younger.” And don't forget that we live in a consumer society. And the worse the head, the easier it is to sell her anything. They have always been afraid of old age; at all times, at the age of 25, girls considered themselves old women. And now that I'm reading some social media, I see that many people really think that after 30 women don’t exist. Therefore, nothing new happened to society, young people just ran to do some procedures that were not intended for them at all. What kind of Botox can you have at 25? In these years, Hercules, massage and the gym are enough.

— Do men and women have different attitudes towards aging?

- Let's immediately decide that there are ordinary men and those who carefully look after themselves, they are passionate about their beauty. This, by the way, is not exactly a masculine quality. Traditional representatives of the stronger sex tend to adorn themselves with status items: expensive shoes, watches, etc. They care about anything, but not wrinkles. They don’t think about this topic at all. The fear of aging is more characteristic of a woman, but a man understands that with age he becomes cooler and more expensive. In the market for brides and grooms, a single 40-year-old woman will arouse suspicion, but a single man at this age is a great gift.

The fear of aging is more characteristic of a woman, but a man understands that with age he becomes cooler and more expensive. In the market for brides and grooms, a single 40-year-old woman will arouse suspicion, but a single man at this age is a gift in great demand.

- So women need to learn from men?

- Mature women have many advantages, thanks to wisdom, experience, if you suddenly think that a new wrinkle has appeared near your eye or somewhere else, this is nonsense. It's all about self-esteem.

How is a man different from a woman? It develops cyclically and spectrally, and is characterized by a passion for various topics. It develops in one direction, always forward and in depth. On the one hand, a man is more limited, on the other, he goes further in his own question, and this is where his value lies. This would be a good thing for women to adopt: with age, we become more valuable, more important, wiser and better. And in general, the beauty is inside, not outside. When an elastic butt passes me, I understand that it is only a butt.

Don't forget about communication

— If you still get the blues and a thought like “oh, how old I am,” what should you do?

— Such thoughts are not a property of age, they are a property of depression, which can cover you both at 17 and at 57. A typical picture: a charmingly beautiful girl looks at herself in the mirror and sees that she is not 35 years old, but 50. Her skin is dull. , the look too. This is all a reflection of the internal state. We live in a wonderful time when physics can be easily corrected, but this will not solve the issue if you are empty inside. Youth is, first of all, the shine and sparkle in the eyes. This is the idea: “There is something to strive for!” If it is, then your face will glow, and everyone around you will see it, and you first of all.

— There are concepts of psychological and biological age, is it normal when they do not coincide with you?

— The most important thing is to emerge as a healthy person from puberty (adolescence, when a person experiences a crisis of personality development, he leaves parental control and becomes independent). Modern scientists consider puberty to be up to 25 years of age, in some countries - up to 30 years of age. This is due to the fact that the standard of living and its quality have increased, young people can afford not to have children early, but to study until they are 30, choose a profession and improve in it. After puberty ends, life begins to calm down little by little; this is a great time to start a family and have children. If we talk about a certain “frozenness” of age, then it would be good to psychologically “freeze” at 35-40, when a certain certainty has already been achieved. But when you are 18 in your soul, but 60 in your body, this is not entirely normal.

— At the beginning of our conversation, you said that having a favorite activity that you are really passionate about is one of the ways to overcome old age. How else can a person resist aging?

- Don't forget about communication. Despite the fact that with age it becomes more difficult to make friends and maintain any relationships, you need to be among people. The same language courses in which you willy-nilly make new acquaintances are a great thing, especially when the students are of different ages. Any clubs, dances. It is important to go out into society, maintain friendly relations, and organize holidays. Just don't close yourself! And of course, you need to think about old age, create a base; you will need children, money and health. Plan for the future. What I mean is: speak affirmations. For example: “I am healthy”, “I have beautiful skin”, “I will look good for a long time.” By saying such things, we at least encourage ourselves to pay attention to these details and take care of ourselves.

Well, the most important means is, of course, to have an interest in life, to have meaning, the will to strive for something.

That you have no talent at all, you can’t draw, you’re not a musician, you’re not an actor, you’re not a politician, you don’t sing like Boch, you haven’t invented anything new, you haven’t achieved success, you haven’t become an Instagram star and you don’t get free clothes and other benefits, not a millionaire, haven’t written a single book, although I really wanted to, not a top model or a sex symbol, you’re nothing special, not a super mother/daughter, not the most pleasant person to talk to, not the author of a detox system, you have there is no villa on the ocean, what do you mean you’re nobody? - no way...

live, aware of your mediocrity and the fact that people create while you sleep and do what you only dream of... follow other people's lives, admire someone's beauty and talents, while you yourself unsuccessfully learn 3 chords on the guitar, you draw gnarled trees or write to no one necessary texts, you post photos that are not interesting to anyone... there is so much in the world now, and in this diversity you truly acutely understand how insignificant and small, ugly and boring you are... and not because you had a bad day, no... you have everything, arms and legs, food and shelter, and mush and cats, but no one will ever know about you, will not hear about you, will not admire you, buy your books, listen to your songs, remember your works... because they don't exist. because you only consume, but don’t create, and if you create, then it’s all sorts of middle-class trash that even your friends and acquaintances don’t need... and all you can do is look at others and think that you could also, that you also wanted, that you also tried ... and time passes, and a third of life, or even half, is behind, and dreams remain dreams, and days are filled with routine and laziness, food and scrolling through other people's Instagrams... and that time that could be spent on something valuable, important, strong, you spend on stupid and unnecessary things, on things that push you back, and week after week, and year after year, and you are where you were, maybe you can afford yourself a little more, live a little more comfortably , and behind this comfortable you don’t see that you are drowning in your measured inactivity, drowned in small plans and ticks “buy toilet paper “, you were relaxed by the fact that it seemed like something was moving, that sales were going on, that the weekend was coming, and then it was grandma’s birthday, and then a new episode of another boring series would be released, and you would order sushi and drink wine, and on Thursday they would arrive guests, and on Saturday you will go to a singing... and then before you have time to look back, you have gray temples, and your graduation from Uni was almost 10 years ago, and you are trying to remember what really worried you, what touched you, what you wanted, except in order to pay rent, loans and salaries to employees, and breathe a sigh of relief until next month... and go to bed early, so that you can go to bed early, so that you can again do unnecessary things in a company that no one needs, so that you have something to buy sushi with and maybe a ticket at the sea... and there come to life for a while, remember how to breathe, how to walk, how to swim, how nice it is when it’s warm, how delicious the food is... and after 2-3 weeks forget again, not because the sunsets have become dimmer or the sea is not so gentle, no... just get used to it... want change again... maybe go on an excursion? or are you homesick?... and look for this thrill, this delight, this feeling that everything is not in vain... and what is not in vain? What is it all for? be happy? but it happens for a long time, this happiness, or it suddenly appears in contrast, when it became better than it was... when it hurt, and it went away... I wanted it and it happened... from winter to summer, from the worst to the best... and then you forget and it’s like it’s always been like this, and again you’re bored, and you want something like that... and you’re afraid of losing what you have, and it’s better not to take risks, it will pass... maybe PMS, or Neptune in Cancer, or a midlife crisis , or the full moon... and look around, how many people live worse, someone doesn’t have a husband, or their hair is thin, or they don’t have enough money... and you forget, you come to your senses, you thank them for everything so that they don’t take it away, and you smile work, and friends, and cookies, you scratch your cats behind your ears, you drink wine and go to the movies... but this “I want something more” doesn’t go away, it sits and itches, getting out at the moment when you forget to pretend when you don’t say affirmations, when you haven’t read a book on psychology at night, when you look with all your eyes into the dark night, how another spring comes, and then summer, how in the endless rush of time you forget where you were going, who you are and why... and inside you are so much, but outside there is so little... and inside you are brave, but outside you are cowardly... and you are beautiful there, but here you have cellulite and you need to pump up your ass every day so as not to sag. .. and you want to become someone, but you just can’t. .. because you no longer remember who you wanted to become... or maybe you’re just one of the average pieces of society like everyone else, who pays transport tax, stands in line for milk and writes reviews about a new coffee shop that no one needs... you are here simply then, to live as long as you are allotted, unable to understand and find out whether there will be something further, or is this just really all there is?... a journey from childhood to old age with rare stops in interesting places... how to come to terms with the fact that you have no talents at all... that you are a nobody? - no way...

Seriously, for as long as I can remember, it hurts that I’m not a man.
As a child, I fought and played with boys; being friends with girls or having girlish interests was shameful for me. This happened to many people, you say.
At school, when I was older, it was the same. When I liked a guy, I liked him only because I wanted to be like him, and I tried to copy him. At the same time, few people paid attention to me and the guys didn’t want to be friends, apparently because “it’s shameful to be friends with girls.” Of course, she was friends with her classmates.
Eighth grade New Year I put on makeup (everyone already wore makeup back then) and came to school in a skirt and shoes - compliments poured in, tough guys Of course, they paid attention, but not at all the attention I needed. Around the same time, I got the Internet, I looked at photos of men I liked and was jealous: well, why do I know how to dress fashionably, communicate with people and generally be cool, but being a guy? Why can’t I understand how you can be a cool girl, and why for me, in principle, there is no concept of a “cool girl?”
At that time, throwing constantly accompanied me, I met the first, really cool girl that I would like to be like. It seemed that I fell in love - that’s the decision, hurray, I’m a lesbian! “We dated” her for 9 months, and every day I realized more and more that I was not attracted to girls either sexually or simply in relationships, i.e. I like men, as always; It’s just that there are such cool girls, but you don’t have to have a relationship with them) At another school I met another such girl; We weren’t friends for long, because when I came to visit her, I discovered that she was sleeping in a nightgown, which I didn’t care about. I'm not working - what? I don’t mean “a woman who is a man, but not a lesbian or a transsexual”? I can’t formulate this for myself, I just don’t bother - that’s all.
Oh, how many tears have been shed, how much self-hatred I have experienced throughout my life - why, why am I not a man? It seems that everything is simple - save up for a gender reassignment operation, and, in fact, change it. But no, this is not suitable, I want to be a normal man who likes women, a man from the very beginning, and the realization that my body is not a man’s and will never be a man’s is not pleasing, and will not be pleasing after a gender change.
The usual throwings of a teenager, well, yes. The fact is that I’m no longer a teenager - I also hoped that it would pass with age, but it didn’t - only the desire to have children appeared, and that’s because a child for me is a new person, consisting of you and the one you love , the child expands the space for love. Those. This is not maternal instinct.
I’ve been living with a guy for two years and still constantly think about it, moreover, there are very bad periods when it’s simply impossible to live with it. Now is just such a period. Can you imagine what it’s like for him to listen to this?
Everything that I have to do as a woman infuriates me - behave like a woman, for example; I understand that some things that I would do as a man would look normal, but when I do them as a woman, it looks as if it was to attract attention; I can’t calmly ask in a spare parts store what kind of chain I need, because “stupid woman”, and not “a young guy asks about things that it’s not a shame not to know”; in relationships - I want to be equal, partners, and not a harmonious opposite-sex couple; I know how to be a cool dude, how to hit on girls, but I don’t need girls, and with my gender, hitting on girls is kind of stupid. Little things - critical days, when they carry bags for me, shave surfaces, cook “every day,” put on makeup, and so on. And I am also terribly depressed by my genitals, figure (for a woman - a normal figure), and breasts.
In general, I understand that if I give myself freedom and look and behave the way I like, it will be funny and ridiculous - not at all the way I would like to look. I watched a program about androgynes, there were several girls who looked and behaved like men, but it’s still not real.
Sometimes I want to kill myself - who knows, next time the gender will be male? There were attempts in adolescence.

Looking and acting like a woman - how to deal with it? How do you even accept this?

Good day, dear readers! I recently wrote an article about... The publication aroused great interest, a lot of letters arrived in the mail, so today I decided to continue the topic. It is quite serious and requires comprehensive consideration.

Let's discuss how to come to terms with the fact that you are no longer in love. Leave your comments on this article, join the conversation, but for now I’ll tell you how to cope with an unpleasant situation when a loved one doesn’t love you.

Now you are suffering a lot, you are broken and depressed. What to expect next and how to deal with unpleasant consequences? Let's quickly get to the topic.

Reaction

Each person reacts to information that they are not loved in their own way. However, we can infer several types of reactions.

If a guy, or even more so a girl, has fallen out of love, then some people want to forget about the incident as soon as possible. They behave deliberately cheerfully, although cats are scratching their souls. You can meet them in the club or at mass events. They try as little as possible.

Others get depressed and start retelling the story to all their friends. . They try to pour out their souls and hear warm words. They tend to idealize the former relationship and therefore look for answers: why they were abandoned, what was wrong, who is to blame for what happened, why am I not worthy of love, and so on.

Still others, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves and do not want to show their own emotions to others. They spend more time at home, alone with their thoughts.

In fact, the types of such reactions in psychology largely overlap with those that I recently wrote about. If you are interested, you can learn more about this topic in the article of the same name.

No matter how you react to the situation, time must pass for everything to be forgotten and you can live a full life. Do as you see fit, take time to suffer. You and your psyche need this.

We cannot change the natural course of life. Just as it is impossible for smoke to appear without fire, it is also unthinkable for a wife to live without experiences, suffering and grief.

Every person goes through 5 stages, which await you too. The duration of each period depends not only on how close the man (or woman) was to you, but also on personal qualities, mental characteristics.

Even if you yourself realized that you had fallen out of love with a person, the consequences of a frank conversation would come as a shock to you. Changes in life, changes in habitual attitudes, loss of traditions, the unknown. . The first reaction is always shock. It’s as if reality has slipped out from under your feet, everything has changed, you are not in control of the situation.

Then comes hatred and aggression. You begin to blame yourself and others, try to understand the reasons, worry about what you didn’t do, what you didn’t think about before. There is a complete re-evaluation of everything and a lot of thoughts about improving the past, which can no longer be returned.

Next, depression overtakes the person. In this state, he feels pain most acutely. Memory, as luck would have it, begins to reveal only positive aspects, all the negativity is forgotten, but you slowly let go of unpleasant information.

Then comes acceptance and only sometimes, at first more often, and then less and less. Life is slowly returning to normal, and you are again ready for relationships and love.

No matter how much we want, each of us must go through these stages in order to be reborn and become ourselves again, worthy of love, tenderness and understanding.

Books

To make the difficult period less painful for you, I can recommend you several books that will help you quickly regain faith in yourself.

If you have separated from your once beloved husband or wife, I recommend reading Andrey Kurpatov “How to survive a divorce”. I understand that not everyone likes books by media personalities, but this psychologist was at one time a frequent guest on the TV screen. But one cannot deny the professionalism of this man.

This book will help you, your condition. You will learn to react correctly to the situation and be able to experience what happened less painfully, accept this fact and begin to move on with your life.

The next book is suitable for those who love psychological trainings and easily uses various techniques to help cope with difficult situations. Olga Polyanskaya “Parting without pain and tears.” This step-by-step instruction with 11 techniques that will help you quickly get rid of all unpleasant consequences and start life from scratch.

You will quickly get back on your feet, and most importantly, the past will not drag you into the abyss. You will be able to trust other people, although now, most likely, this seems impossible.

The latest book is aimed exclusively at women. It's called “How to survive a breakup and become happy” by Evgenia Tarasov. Psychological tests will help you better understand yourself: why he was in your life, how quickly you become attached to people, whether you can be happy no matter what, whether you are in a depressed state and whether mistakes will be repeated again.

The most important thing is that in addition to results and new knowledge about yourself, you will be able to get advice that is right for you.

Outstanding personalities are as rare as the first coltsfoot flower at the end of March. There is still snow, mud, last year's leaves all around, and among them, on a hillock, near the heating main, a small yellow sun suddenly appears. I don’t want to run around anyone, but aren’t you tired of believing that you will become that first flower?

We are used to believing that we are special, unique, capable of influencing minds and snatching stars from the sky. What if you're ordinary? Mediocre and average. This means that life is in vain, you can already lie down in front of the TV and quietly wait until Her Majesty Death knocks on the door instead of the pizza delivery person?

Are you afraid to admit to yourself that you are ordinary, because then your motivation will disappear? Why get up in the morning if not to sooner or later receive recognition and bask in your own greatness?

The names of seven billion living people will not go down in history. At best, descendants will remember a couple of thousand of our contemporaries. What should the rest of us do? How can you accept that their names will be forgotten?

Every person should strive for the best, set goals and achieve them; without this, life really loses its meaning. Each individual life has value and the greatest value it has is for the one who possesses it. The lives of the great may be of great importance for the whole world, but this in no way devalues ​​your life.

Forgive yourself for being an ordinary person. Allow yourself the joy of being yourself. Take the burden of responsibility off your shoulders. You may or may not become great. This will not make your life less valuable to you. This is your life and you don't owe this world anything. Manage your time the way you want.

Stop proving to yourself, and especially to others, that you are significant. Stop making excuses for your life. She's yours. Make arrangements. Devote time to what you love, do it without worrying about the fact that it is not destined to be recognized, do it for your own sake. Inflated expectations will only lead to hopeless depression, and not to a good result.

Attention, now the most banal and oily phrase will be said.

Enjoy simple things.

Forgive me for it, but it can and should be repeated as many times as needed to fully understand and understand it.

Warm hugs, sea air, the first kiss, the palms of a child, the taste of a new dish, increased heart rate while jogging, the creative process, adrenaline while overcoming one’s own fears - all this is so simple, all this is so banal, all this is what makes our life priceless .