Why do we not trust others and the world?
We tend to believe strangers - after all, they have never deceived us.
Samuel Johnson
Our values are the same foundation. Often we realize their importance when we lose them. Let's take something like confidence . After all, it is normal and natural to trust people. To be sure that the other person will repay the debt, come to the meeting on time, keep important information secret.
The reality is that anyone can think of situations where trust in other people has been lost. Betrayal, deceit, treason, unfulfilled obligations ... The sayings “burnt in milk blows water” or “trust, but verify” are becoming more relevant than ever. And if most people sooner or later cope with this, then others cannot finally restore the lost trust.
Why do some people not trust anyone? Below I want to consider some of their main personality traits that lead to this.
1. They do not have a basic trust in the world. Such people see a catch in everything and prefer to play it safe for any reason. In their picture of the world, trust is given a small place. They do not understand that trust is mutual, and they are also unlikely to be trusted in response to their suspicions and nit-picking.
This attitude towards others and the world may be associated with the loss basic trust in the world still in infancy. This issue was investigated by Eric Erickson and came to the conclusion that in the period from one and a half to three years, the child forms a basic trust in the world. How the child will then trust relatives, friends, acquaintances and other people depends on the success of this stage.
2. Trust is not included in their system of deep values. Some people don't give credibility its due importance. They believe that it can be easily "sacrificed" to the achievement of momentary personal goals.
Strong relationships cannot be built with this approach. But these people don't need it. They always act independently, without asking anyone for help. It is not easy for them to establish relationships with anyone in general, perhaps due to the same lack of basic trust in the world that we just talked about.
3. Trust for them is closely related to the fear of loss. They are convinced that trusting someone means losing a part of themselves. The sad experience of the past has become for them the harsh "truth of life." The truth, which is essentially a set of limiting beliefs.
Most often this happens after they have been betrayed, abandoned, betrayed, deceived. The person came to the conclusion that "trusting someone is dangerous, as you can experience pain and disappointment."
Summarizing description of these features, I would like to add that the loss of trust is sometimes comparable to the feeling that "the world is collapsing." It is quite possible to restore it, but in terms of laboriousness, this process will not yield to repairing the foundation. In this case, it may be necessary to turn to deep psychotherapeutic interventions.
In conclusion I want to give a parable about another approach to trust.
Two angels under the guise of travelers stopped for the night in a rich house. The family was inhospitable, although their house was spacious, travelers were offered to settle down for the night in a cold basement. When they, hungry, went to bed, the elder angel saw a hole in the wall and fixed it. Then the younger angel asked him why he was repairing the house for these greedy people.
The elder replied:
- Things are not what they seem at first glance.
In the morning the angels recovered their journey and by evening stopped for the night in the house of a very poor but hospitable man and his wife. The couple shared a meager dinner with the angels, and offered their bed to the angels so that they could sleep well. In the morning, the angels woke up and saw that the owner and his wife were very upset. Their only cow died that night in the barn.
The younger angel asked the elder:
- Why is this happening? The rich man had everything, and you also helped him. These poor people had so little, and you let their only cow die. Why?
“Things are not what they seem at first glance,” the older angel replied. - When we were in the basement of a rich man, in the wall where there was a hole, there was a treasure. I repaired the wall so that the treasure would not be found. While we slept in the bed of the poor, the angel of death came for the life of the master. At my request, he took the life of a cow instead of a man. Things are not what they seem.
We never know everything. And even if you have faith, you still need to learn Trust, that in everything that comes there is a hidden Meaning and Good for you.
Vostrukhov Dmitry Dmitrievich,
psychologist, NLPt-psychotherapist, well-being consultant
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